I need a new place to write my ramblings and thoughts without too many people knowing what or whom I'm speaking of.
So here I am again now, writing to you as I should, though this time because I need to, not because I have to. I’m writing about money. Money scares the shit out of me. All my life, it seems to be this huge issue. And the fact that I spend it, even on necessary items, always seems to be too much. My grandfather hounds me about money and the fact that it’s always running out. He lived through the depression, so I guess I can understand parts of it but it’s gotten to the point where I think I’m having a panic attack when I get worried about it. About how much is really in my account. And how much I’ve spent. I try to keep track of it, I do, but I forget something here or have to spend something there and I can’t do it any longer. I’m so terrified of not having the money…. not, not even of that, but of getting yelled at again for it. I am literally driven to the point of heavy breathing and stress and stomach/chest pain when I think about the fact that I might get yelled at about it yet again and I can’t do this. But if I don’t spend the money, I don’t get gas or food or medicine. I have to wait until the next amount comes through and half of that is taken away from penalties for overdrawing. I’m terrified to look at my bank statement or any emails from the banks in case they tell me just how fucked I am financially. Right now my stomach hurts so much just thinking about it and yet if I apply for financial government help, how many more people will look down on me. Will they say I don’t need it? Will I be scorned? What do I do now?
Added to this, I’m also on day 2 or 3 (I can’t remember) of not having my Cymbalta, which means my confusion is worse, I’m dizzy all the time and I get lost easily. Perfect for driving in the city.
The only ease I got today was when we went to the Zoo and I watched the Sea Lions swimming under the water, so graceful and calm. I wish I had that. I wish I could just disappear under the water where it’s quiet and peaceful. I wish I could breathe under water so I could stay there forever. Feeling weightless as if the burden the world puts on you is lifted from your shoulders.. from your entire body.
I want that simplicity back. I want the innocence back. I want to be amazed at the small things and not worry about money and jobs and living situations. I want to be a child… but I haven’t been a child in a very long time. Even when I was young enough to be considered a child…. Maybe I never was one. I’ve been told I’m an old soul… and something inside me recognizes that. But if that’s true, sometimes I think this lifetime has run its course.
I’m 25 and I’m already old in spirit, body & soul. I’m so tired. I’m so tired of everything and I just want to let go.
Please just let me go.